Family traits (contd.)

Anger-management issues run rampant in my family. For some reason, I have lucked out. Whether it’s birth order, personality, or something else, I have avoided this curse. If anything, I don’t always feel appropriate anger when I should.

Freud posited that depression is just anger turned inwards, so maybe that’s why I carry that cross. My therapist, however, tends to disagree. She believes the depression is warranted given everything I experienced.

One sibling described my father’s temper as volcanic. It was raging, explosive, and like magma, ever-simmering below the surface. You never knew what would set him off – what you ordered, how you held your fork, what you wore.

My mother’s, on the other hand, had a steely iciness to it. It did not present itself often, but when it did, it was ugly and mean. The year before she died she did not speak to me for three months because I opposed her political views.

My siblings have inherited one version or the other, which has become increasingly apparent in the last few years. For unknown reasons I am now the target of their ire. Ironically, they do not understand why it’s a problem for me.

Not only did we all grow up with the same father, but towards the end of her life, we all felt my mother’s wrath. One sibling even tried to normalize the bullying they continue to subject me to. Like bullying is ever ok.

After a particularly nasty episode, I no longer see the eldest. I was targeted with unfathomable rage, the likes of which I have never seen before. It was surreal. Stunning in its intensity. I recoiled, vowing to never subject myself to that again.

The middle sibling then accused me of prioritizing friends over family. My response? I am prioritizing people who treat me well. I am done with bad behavior. I have drawn my line in the sand and am willing to suffer the consequences.

They do not have the same hold over me and that clearly threatens them. It definitely threatens the old dynamic and familiar roles we used to play. But it’s time we all grew up. We are far too old for childish games.

I moved the goalposts and they don’t like it. But it was necessary and long overdue. It was about time I stood up to them. And more importantly, it was time I stood up for myself. Sad as it is to say, I am better off without them in my life.