You get what you need not what you want

He was everything I wanted. It only took a second date to realize how drawn I was to him. In a way I had never felt before. It was magnetic.

Pity is, the feeling wasn’t exactly mutual.

It was on the third date that cracks began to appear. I picked up on something he said and when I questioned it, he cancelled the fourth date.

Interestingly, he came around, but I wasn’t wrong about my assertion, which came back to haunt me within a short amount of time.

Somehow the relationship lasted close to two and a half years. If you can even call it a relationship. The entire time it felt more like dating, if you ask me.

He was a lifelong bachelor yet wanted to get married and have kids. In his sixties, no less. I should have heeded that warning when I first heard it.

We had a lot in common, liked similar things. He was definitely attractive, had all the qualities I was looking for, and more. He was just so very compelling.

Trouble is, that put me at a distinct disadvantage.

In retrospect, I see the signs. They were glaringly obvious. I was just so blind. I was also hopeful. Definitely, uninformed. And most likely, unwilling to see.

Because I wanted it so badly.

My first impression was how serious he seemed. Ironically, all he wanted was to have fun. And we did have fun. He planned amazing dates.

But he didn’t like to just hang out. Nor did he want to chat. Conveniently, there was always a distraction. We were always doing, not being.

In other words, my company wasn’t enough.

When things were good, it was great. All I ever hoped for. But it never lasted. I don’t know if he was just so used to spending time alone. Whatever it was, he did not articulate.

I just didn’t understand the meaning of it all. My friends helped me analyze the details, and we drew our conclusions, but what I failed to see was the big picture.

It was as if he couldn’t or wouldn’t let himself get close. I felt I was kept at arm’s length the entire time. Yet it’s possible I was closer than I thought.

The experience left me so confused. He blew hot, then cold. One step forward then three steps back. I kept hoping for progress, but it was not to be had.

Travel was particularly fraught. The thought of being together 24/7 must have terrified him. At best he was distant or moody, at worst we argued.

Yet I stayed. Overstayed, in fact. I kept going back until there was nothing to go back to. I didn’t see it coming, but he must have desired the end for some time.

As hard as it is to admit, the end of the relationship was one of the best things that has ever happened to me. It was the catalyst for a change that was long overdue.

It was my day of reckoning. Reckoning with all that was wrong about my life and how I have been living it. And more importantly, a reckoning of all I needed to do…..