Death by a thousand cuts

There were no red flags to warn me. Maybe a couple of yellow flags in the first few dates, but that was about it. We had our share of good times, but they were often punctuated by the bad.

I was unprepared when the end finally came, but the dying started early on. I pretty much suffered on and off for the extent of the relationship.

My therapist tells me the mistake I made was that I stayed too long. Those with healthy esteem would have bailed early on. But I am not among those lucky few.

There were multiple indignities I put up with. Times when I wondered the whats and whys of a given situation with the answer inevitably being about me and my failings.

It never dawned on me that the answer actually might have been him. It’s a dynamic, of course, and I was a willing – participant, but maybe it wasn’t always I who was at fault.

Maybe it was rarely, if ever, about me.

I struggled for a long time. I wanted the relationship to work. He may have too, until he didn’t. The struggle took its toll. In the end it didn’t even matter why – he was done.

It left me shattered. My confidence undermined, my ego non-existent. Lost and confused, I relentlessly questioned myself, trying to pinpoint exactly what had gone wrong.

I still have no idea what happened for him as we never talked about it. He either didn’t want it any longer or felt he had done his best and that wasn’t enough.

Maybe because it just wasn’t fun anymore.

I have seen him several times since things ended, each time more bittersweet than the last. He is still everything I want. But he is not mine to have, and never was.

He just has this intangible quality that appeals to me on such a deep level. I love him still, and may always, but it’s more than that. It’s the connection I always longed for.

I know he feels it too, which kills me. It’s evident in the way he looks at me and in the strength of his hugs. There is such comfort in his presence, and an ease which reels me in.

But it’s not something he can sustain. I know that now.

There is no happy ending in the cards for me. Not with him, maybe not with anyone. I try to be stoic about this, but it is not easy. For it means giving up on a dream.

The experience has left an indelible mark. Scarred as I am, I feel fortunate he came my way. I may have to withstand the pain for the duration, but it was worth it.

For if nothing else, it gave me a glimpse into what is possible. And that alone is priceless.