Mea culpas

I am fully aware that I brought things to the table that prevented me from having a healthy relationship. I have never been looking to blame someone else when things go wrong.

To begin with, I am impatient, lazy, and stubborn. But it’s more than that. It’s all the baggage I carry – most of it ingrained from my childhood, which is mainly to blame for my part.

After my marriage ended, I gave a lot of thought as to what I had done wrong. I came to understand I didn’t prioritize my husband. I still thought of my mother and siblings as my family.

I resolved to not let that happen again. I was ready to be all in. What I didn’t see was the potential to get swallowed up in the process. Which is exactly what happened.

I was so used to living for other people. Expectations and a code of shoulds have dictated my course of action for decades. I had no schooling in how to live for myself.

I now understand. We all have the right to live our lives. Exactly as we please. We do not owe anyone anything, least of all an explanation. That’s the only thing we “should” do.

I was doing myself no favors. Nor anyone else for that matter. I had no idea what an undue burden I had actually been putting on others.

No one wants you to live your life for them. And anyone who is asking you to, is attempting to control you. It is imperative to live for oneself – fully and without reservation.

Living my life was a scary prospect. I didn’t even know how. More than that, it meant facing my abyss head on. By focusing on someone else, I avoided all that.

Not only did it recreate age-old patterns for me, but in a twisted way, losing sight of myself meant I could ignore the ache that gnawed away at me from inside.

It is glaringly obvious I didn’t prioritize myself in my most recent relationship. I thought I was in a good place before I met the ex-bf. So much for a good place.

I do understand there is a balance, of course. But it was as if the pendulum had swung to the other extreme. Maybe it’s more a question of seeing there are multiple facets.

I also question how I may be recreating the negative patterns I was exposed to – i.e. those of my parents. I don’t have my father’s volatility, but my mother’s inaccessibility?

Though the cause differs, I recognize my inability to live my life fully as hers. Also, my habit of shutting down and turning inwards when things go south.

She removed herself from the world, had no friends to speak of, and lived in places that were remote. I can relate – there are times I just want to leave everything behind.

Relationships are complicated. And it always takes two. In other words, worlds are constantly colliding. Is there any wonder there are sparks?

The sparks can be fireworks, or explosions. It kind of comes down to how emotionally healthy both parties are. It never dawned on me that I had a lot more work to do.

I was not yet in the right position to have a good relationship. I am still not. Granted, I have come a long way, but there’s always more one can understand about oneself.

I’d like to think I’ll get another chance someday. Because you won’t ever really know how far you’ve come until you have been tested.