My emotional void

Unmoored. That’s how one friend described what had happened to me. Adrift and at sea was more like what it felt. The closest people in my life were all gone. Simultaneously.

I had never felt more alone.

It was, indeed, a dark time. If it wasn’t for my son and my friends, I’m not sure what I would have done. There was much to live for, I just needed to figure out what and how.

Life had served me a double-whammy – emotional abuse and emotional neglect. I had started with a deficit and needed to make up ground. If that was even possible.

Several years in, I still feel below baseline. I may never reach a normal level of emotional health. And perhaps that is my lot. I have it so good in many other areas of life, just not this one.

And the losses keep mounting. Apparently the universe feels I still have much to learn. In the last eighteen months, two more key people, as well as the work I loved are also gone.

While the dark cloud felt like an oppressive sadness what I have been feeling recently is more like an emptiness. As if a part of me has been scooped out and all that’s left is the shell.

It’s not so much an existential reckoning as being hit with the fact that I have been emotionally bereft for most of my life. Coming to terms with this has not been easy.

I am not the person I was before. Not by a long shot. Too much has transpired in these last few years, and it has definitely changed me. So I guess it makes sense I don’t feel the same.

It’s as if the old me is gone and I need to figure out who I am today. As if I need to refill the tank, bit by bit, but only with the people and experiences that serve me well.

I have started the process, but it’s tough going. Even small things threaten to derail my progress. I presume that’s a factor of my current emotional fragility.

While there have been gains, the positive has by no means outweighed the overwhelming sense of loss I have sustained. I realize it will take time, and I am not patient.