“They’re not listening to you”

It was a refrain my therapist came back to, time and time again. And she wasn’t wrong.

It wasn’t just my parents or my siblings. When I gave it some thought, it was happening in other areas of my life too (think relationships, work, etc.). Pretty much anywhere I allowed it. It explains why I stop trying at a certain point. Often too late, and always at my expense.

It’s interesting how therapy will literally explain everything you ever wondered about yourself – depending, that is, on how far you are willing to go. I have always been a fast talker. I thought it was a question of expediency on my part. I have since come to understand it was anything but that.

Instead, it was about speaking as quickly as possible in the hope that whoever was on the receiving end would not get bored or stop paying attention. In other words, my therapist’s words writ large. Because here’s the thing – we all have a right to be heard. And it’s normal to expect that.

Listening to another person takes it to the next level. It’s not about being distracted or preparing what you’re going to say next. Rather, it’s about digesting what is being said before responding. And actively engaging in the conversation with curiosity.

I didn’t see that I wasn’t being listened to until my therapist pointed it out, but on some level I must have recognized it all along. No wonder I felt like screaming on more than one occasion – my version of hitting a wall. One without any give, no less.