New year, old me

As my friends know, I’ve had a challenging few months. I am not proud to admit this, but once again the universe has shown me just how stuck I really am.

This time it was a friend who did me in. Someone I hoped would become something more. Once again, that’s not how he saw it. At least not until now.

I have been in the process of unraveling the fallout – because there has been fallout. And it’s not over yet. Mainly because the situation is fluid, but also because I’m still recovering.

Emotional stress can have a profound impact on the body. In ways that you are not necessarily conscious of or can control, as I inadvertently discovered.

I had no choice but to turn inwards. Time and space have allowed me to uncover my unhealthy dynamic. I keep getting drawn to people who are emotionally inaccessible.

I thought this would be different – given he was a friend and someone I had known for some years, albeit not well. That only added to the confusion.

I put myself out there. Made myself vulnerable in a way I don’t usually. I figured it was safe. What I had not accounted for was his reluctance. Or incapacity.

Whatever it was, it had dire consequences in terms of the toll it took on me physically. I have had to face some pretty ugly truths – about my motivation and emotional state.

I have been consistently looking to the wrong source for emotional fulfillment. No one can do that for me, least of all someone who is as emotionally unhealthy as I am.

He’s a decent guy, but incapable of giving me what I want. Truth be told, only I can fill the void. It is not fair or right for me to expect someone to do that for me.

This situation has proven enlightening. My work is cut out for me. I still have far to go. It’s not the easy answer I was hoping for, but that’s life.

It feels like a part of me has died, and maybe that’s not such a bad thing. Shedding old me, and making space for something new. New year, hopefully new me.