Me? Who’s that?

My sense of self has always been elusive. The emotional instability I experienced eroded any idea of who I might have been. That version of me, healthy and whole, never got a chance to germinate, let alone bud.

Absent was the solid foundation. The family dynamic did not allow for much differentiation of self. We were too enmeshed, caught up by whoever was acting out. So I never learnt to separate and become my own person.

I was too focused on either accommodating, avoiding or reacting to a situation. That is, doing what I could to manage the stress or anxiety of the moment. Anything to reduce the conflict and restore peace.

But that came at a huge cost: emotional maturity. You do what you need to in order to survive. The response is automatic and defensive, driven by emotion. There’s no thought of what’s your part, and more importantly, what’s not.

It’s driven by a fear of rejection, and the want/need for love and approval. It’s not rational. It’s primal. Instinctual, even. Given how emotionally fraught my life has been, it’s hardly any wonder my relationships never work out well.

I see the ways I am not mature in my dealings with others. The worst of it is that I look to a relationship to make me feel better. It’s a dependency I learnt at an early age. Who I am drawn to ensures that will never happen.

Inevitably, it is those very people who make me feel bad to begin with. It’s a vicious circle. And a vestige I carry from the past. Instead of pleasing myself, I please others in the vain effort of winning their approval.

Independence is something I strive for. Freedom from those who seek to shape me. It is not easy, and I struggle, but it is the only way I feel I will ever truly become the person I am meant to be. These are my goals:

To thoroughly know myself and what I stand for

To have the courage and conviction to go after the things I want

To be less dependent on what others think

To not be held back by fear

To be at peace with who I am