The afternoon of my life

So where do I go from here? I am in, what Carl Jung calls, “the afternoon of my life”. Per Oliver Burkeman [1], if I am lucky, I have maybe one thousand weeks left. And the worst part is, time is only going exponentially faster….

I have come up with the things I want to prioritize for the time I have left – seeing friends, travelling, nature. There is more to the list, of course. I’d like to hike more, swim in the ocean, do more yoga, garden, learn new things.

Interestingly, events from the past few years have already started me down this path (somewhat unwittingly), but my hope is to do as much as I can before it’s too late – while I still have the energy and wherewithal.

The stumbling block is I’ve never been much good at living. There are people who fearlessly go after the things they want in life. My son is one example. I envy him and wish I had a similar confidence. I, however, have never had that ability.

It’s not like I don’t and haven’t done things – I’ve camped alone because I wanted to know that I could, for example. Something holds me back, though, and until I understand it, I won’t be able to get past it.

Fear is part of the equation, but it’s bigger than that. And most likely linked to my past. When you’ve been a people pleaser for most of your life, you don’t tend to know what you want or like because it’s never been about you.

But here’s the thing – logically, I know I can and should have the life I want. And I am trying to make that happen. It’s all part of my growth, and while I have made strides, it’s slow-going, and time is not on my side.

[1] See “Four Thousand Weeks – Time Management For Mere Mortals”, by Oliver Burkeman.