Taking stock

Per my friends and therapist, I have come far. So when am I done? And what am I missing? What is there left to know, realize, or understand?

Those same friends have suggested that I’ve done enough. That I should sit back and enjoy the fruits of my labor. I can’t, though. I feel there is still unfinished business.

The universe seems to agree. While much good has come my way in these last few years, it is nowhere near smooth sailing for me. At least not yet.

It is so discouraging. To think this is not far enough. To think I have further to go. The enemy still has the advantage over me, so I am not yet in the clear.

I am unsettled. Desperate to be rid of the past but incapable of truly moving on. Guilt, fear, and inertia all banding together to hinder my forward momentum.

The chains that bind are strong. And they definitely have me in their grasp. For the life of me, I can’t seem to shake this feeling that there is more to do.

Perhaps I need more time for things to gel. But I have new realizations all the time. And things crop up almost weekly that I need to process or digest.

I don’t expect to be perfect. But I want to feel better, and that goal is still out of reach. Somehow there is an awareness that once my work is done, I will find my peace.

I lament the passage of time involved – it doesn’t seem fair. I have lost months that could have been dedicated to living. It is living, of course, just not the living I aspire to.