Is it all in my head?

I have had back pain for close to thirty years. It culminated in emergency surgery for a herniated disc just over a decade ago.

Surgery, once again, is looming. I do not relish the prospect, given it is more complicated this time. It is, in my spine surgeon’s words, for a constellation of symptoms.

Come to find out, I have an unstable spine. Given the lack of support I’ve experienced from an early age, I wasn’t entirely surprised to hear it.

Various disciplines talk about the physical manifestation of emotional issues. I feel like I’m the poster child for all things psychosomatic.

When there is no solid foundation, is it any wonder the structure built to support you comes crumbling down? In my case, quite literally.

I was suicidal as a preteen. Without consciously being aware of it, reality clearly did not meet my expectations. I have been living the fallout ever since.

I learnt to manage on my own. Friends know how hard it is for me to accept help. Supportive as they are, they will never make up for what is lacking at my core.

I read recently that pain is the psychological response to a physical sensation. Not everyone with my symptoms experiences pain.

I will never know if the pain I feel and/or the physical issues in my spine stem from emotional issues. But there is a good chance.

Emotional strife is noxious. And insidious. It can wreak havoc on one’s life. And it can take a physical toll. Just look at me.

My advice to any parent: Love your child. Make sure they know they matter for who/as they are. And that a good and happy life is their birthright.