Why trauma makes you suffer

I have come to understand that what trauma does is chip away at the essence of who you are. What you are left with is a shell of the person you are meant to be.

That is why we look for things to make us feel better/whole/complete. And what we inevitably do is go after the very things that left us bereft to begin with.

The longing we feel is an attempt to fill the void inside. That is what the suffering is about. We grasp at things that we think will make the difference.

Things that, in the end, will only make us feel worse. Because it is those very things we are drawn to that have inevitably caused the initial wound.

That is also why you will never feel better even if you get what you wanted. Because it is ephemeral. It won’t be long until you realize it wasn’t enough.

Buddhism talks about desire causing suffering. I actually think it goes deeper than that. I think it is the need to feel whole that is at the heart of suffering.

Being one with the universe is elemental to many spiritual and religious disciplines. It is the key to feeling at peace. Ultimately, that is what we all strive for.

But it’s not the striving that is important. That’s just another version of grasping. What is important is understanding what makes us feel whole again.

I have found it is usually the things that give me the most joy in life that will do it for me. That is, the things that make me feel most alive.

Because it is those very things that make me feel most like myself. And that’s when I feel the most whole or complete. With zero need for anything more.

The longing for something else, something better or different, is gone. There is no suffering then. Just pure contentment.

And I feel at one with the universe.