Summer turned into fall and fall into winter. The feeling was always there, persistently and relentlessly hanging over me. I had never experienced anything like it. Try as I might, I could not get out from under it.

I mean, I was functional, but it was as if all the joy had been sapped out of me. Life as I knew it had been suspended. All of my spare time was spent processing what had happened. I needed to understand it.

Trouble is, when you’re stuck in a situation, you don’t have a lot of perspective. I talked ad nauseam to friends (thank you all for your patience). And I read. I read and re-read books, trying to gain some kind of insight.

After several months, I conceded defeat. I was mired in a swirling vortex, getting nowhere fast. I was extremely lucky to find a therapist who had time for me. She has been beyond helpful in opening my eyes (and mind).

We discussed the standard stuff – family, my formative years, life experiences, etc. One of my siblings always thought our mother was depressed, so perhaps what I was experiencing ran in the family.

Her childhood, however, was scarred by the war, so it was understandable that had left a major mark. What was my excuse? My problems were nothing if not first-world. Who was I to complain? I had a good life.

Or so I told my therapist.

I’ve come to understand that I have probably suffered from depression for most of my life. I had serious thoughts of suicide as a pre-adolescent. The reasons are complicated, of course, but it all stems from my childhood.

Therapy, however, was just the beginning. As helpful as it was, after another half-year of no escape, my therapist suggested I talk to my doctor about medication. It seems depression knows no bounds.

It took some months to feel better. I am happy to say the dark cloud has receded. It’s still there, lingering on the horizon, ever threatening. But it no longer has the same grip on me. The medication helps keep it at bay.

And to be fair, the end of the relationship was not the only thing that put me over the edge that summer….