It took one word from my therapist for my life to be altered irrevocably. “I wasn’t neglected,” I protested, “I had a good childhood.” That night, however, I googled the word neglect. Unbeknownst to me, there is more than one type.

In addition to physical neglect, there is a less obvious, definitely more insidious, cousin – emotional neglect. The more I delved, the more I realized it might actually be referring to something I experienced. Needless to say, it explained a lot [1].

When one has been emotionally neglected, you feel like you don’t matter. You feel alone. You don’t even know what your wants and needs are. All things I know to be true of me, but never once realized that I was not the problem.

But that’s only one side of the emotional coin. There is, of course, also emotional abuse. According to my therapist, of the two, it is neglect that is far more damaging. Either way, however, your emotional health will have been compromised.

Being emotionally unhealthy, in turn, very much affects who you attract. If you know anything about Attachment Theory [2], this explains why I have never had a healthy intimate relationship. Given my history, I tend to attract avoidant people.

I have always longed for a relationship where I feel truly loved. Where I am seen and heard. In short, where I matter. The irony is, that is the last thing I was ever going to get. I was only ever going to get what I had in the past. Because it was all I knew.

Basically, you are drawn to certain people to resolve the traumas from your childhood. The universe will provide the lesson. But it is up to you to figure out the answer. And if you don’t pay attention, it just ups the ante.

Things had gotten so bad I could no longer ignore it. My life was falling apart, and I was being dragged along for the ride. I knew something had to give. What I didn’t quite realize was that in the process I would be forever changed.

It has been difficult to acknowledge the reality of my past. The foundation I thought quite solid crumbled before my eyes. I needed to face certain ugly truths about people I loved. But acknowledge I must, for this was the only path forward.

It’s sad to think the course of your life has been charted by forces beyond your control. And it’s hard not to feel bitter or resentful when you realize the choices you make have been somewhat pre-determined by events from your childhood.

I often wonder how my life would have been different if I knew this earlier. Too late for that now. But my biggest fears for my son are that he knows he is well-loved (in his bones, is what I always say) and that he never feels alone.

Pretty telling, if you ask me.

[1] See “Running On Empty – Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect” by Jonice Webb, PhD.

[2] See “Attached” by Amir Levine & Rachel Heller.