It’s never been about me. Not in my relationships, nor my life, generally speaking. My therapist thinks I have long been surrounded by narcissists. I asked if I was included in that assessment. Fortunately not.

I have always been something of a people pleaser. Being the youngest, I just assumed I went along with things for harmony’s sake. It was easier, and I didn’t care enough to assert my own wishes and desires.

Now I wonder whether this explains why.

I didn’t realize how many people in my life qualified as narcissists until my therapist made it crystal clear. In short, it’s everyone I have struggled with in recent years, including, but not limited to, my siblings and parents.

That is, anyone who has made it all about themselves, with no regard to the effect on others. I see the truth in her words when I reflect on situations in the past. Not that I am blameless, I played along. I didn’t recognize it for what it was, but I do now.

It’s when everything needs to be on their terms or their way.

It’s when you feel like you’re walking on eggshells lest you upset them.

It’s when their moods dictate your actions and/or responses.

It’s when you are not taken into consideration, let alone consulted.

It’s when you don’t have a voice and/or your opinion is dismissed.

It’s when you are gaslighted.

It’s when they can’t or won’t accept blame or responsibility.

It’s when they can’t or won’t apologize.

It’s really all about control for them. Because their life is so out of control. And should you challenge that, it threatens them on a primal level. And trust me, they will make you suffer, either by being passive-aggressive or giving you the silent treatment.

Most narcissists lack basic empathy. And most narcissists are not pathological. We all have times when we can exhibit one or more of the behaviors outlined above. It’s a matter of degree, the difference being it’s not who we are at the core.

Relationships with narcissists are always conditional. Which means they will never be healthy. I see the signs now and am prepared for the future. If I had only recognized this sooner, I would not have suffered so much in the past.