There is a code of silence in my family. A kind of don’t ask/don’t tell policy, if not outright omertà. I never understood why, but I always dutifully played along.

Perhaps it was the times. As children, we were never informed why we moved overseas, that my parents got divorced, that my father got remarried, and again, divorced.

I guess they felt it wasn’t warranted. We were kids. We didn’t need to know. In spite of the fact that all three events were major disruptions to our lives.

My mother’s past was off-limits. She never spoke about it, and we knew not to inquire. Loyalty was just assumed, and woe to the one who forgot it.

The irony is, this set us up for a very dysfunctional dynamic. One of us knew this, someone else knew that. Lucky for you if you were in on the secret, bad luck if not.

It was like a game of favoritism at play. Somehow, you just knew when you were excluded from whatever was going on. And trust me, that didn’t feel great.

One sibling extricated themself from the familial drama, only to create one of their own whenever they embarked on a new relationship, disappearing for months at a time.

The other began to omit facts from their stories to the degree that you lost interest because there wasn’t enough information for anything to make sense.

I was perceptive enough to realize how unhealthy this all was. But instead of calling them out, I learnt to never question anything. Nor to divulge.

Family secrets were just that – the family’s domain. But what this was, was actually a form of control. Because what this does is create a wall – us versus them.

Control can take on many guises. Generally, the goal is to subordinate. Like the bullies they are, those wielding it know exactly whom to target.

It had the desired effect. I have been well-versed in the art of subterfuge. I am not one to pry, and only reveal things selectively.

I have, in fact, committed the ultimate sin in relating this story, breaking a sacred, unspoken rule. And I chose to do so freely, traitor that I am.

And the reason I have done so? Because I want relationships that are free from constraints. I am tired of holding back. And I am tired of the guilt.

It is perfectly normal to share information with a trusted friend or partner. And to do so without fear of recrimination. I was just never taught that.