A contortionist’s act (a.k.a. finding love in all the wrong places)

You can twist yourself into all kinds of shapes and sizes, but no amount of contorting will ever get you the love or approval you seek. I would know. I have spent the majority of my life attempting just that.

If someone doesn’t accept you for who you are – as you are – nothing you do will ever change that. The lesson there is to just be yourself. The right people will find you. And with the right people, life will be easy.

Because with the right people there will be nothing to prove. I have struggled for decades trying to gain acceptance from the wrong people. It has been a constant struggle. And it has worn me down.

I see the underlying issues, but that doesn’t stop me from trying. To this day. My therapist says I’m not the variable, and I understand that. But that doesn’t stop me from being drawn to the same toxic dynamic. Over and over.

You would think I would have learnt by now. Until I feel it in my core, nothing will change. I’m getting closer all the time, but I won’t deny it’s hard. The root of the problem is deep and decades old. And I’m still suffering.

My current dilemma has taken up way too much time and energy. But I can now disclose I’ve had a breakthrough. I’ve been trying to understand a situation for over a year now. Overly blaming myself for how it devolved.

I assumed it was something I had done. And erroneously, I thought I could fix it. I thought if I did this or that, something would shift. And I tried. For over a year I have tried to rectify something that was always beyond my control.

The truth of the matter is what happened was entirely unrelated to me. I was so caught up in it I could not see the situation for what it actually was. I was blind to the fact that nothing I could do would ever make a difference.

Moral of the story: be yourself. Do not convince yourself a situation can be rectified or altered by becoming someone you’re not. People will think what they want. Nothing you do can change the way someone views you. And worst of all, you will lose your soul trying.