gobsmacked at 59

A tale of love & loss plus other musings on life….

At the core of it all

I have been carrying a heavy load for a while now. Perhaps, indeed, my whole life. Weighed down by a feeling of unease, which I now recognize as a question of psychological safety.

Certain people, or situations, make me feel this way. And in those moments I am looking for someone to make me feel better. Usually the wrong people. Usually those very people.

Not that it’s anyone’s responsibility to make me feel better. I understand that. But it makes sense. If someone, sometime, made me feel that bad, it’s natural to look to them for solace.

But those people will never be the solution. They are simply not capable. With them, it’s a vicious circle. A vortex of unhealthy patterns that keeps one spiraling, eternally mired.

At those times I am gripped by a sudden panic. Psychologically alone, I feel hollow, dark, and empty. Like an existential dread, the sense of isolation can rise out of nowhere. And overwhelm.

I recently recognized that this need of mine is another form of craving. And it does nothing but make me suffer more. But it’s a fear thing too. I fear if I let go, I will be left with nothing.

But nothing is all I have. It’s all I have ever had; I just didn’t realize it. And ironically, nothing is preferable to unhealthy. I am alone, but I am a survivor. And I will survive.

It will take everything to extricate myself from this legacy. Understanding I am safe alone, on my own, will be key. That I am better off alone than with the wrong people in my life.

Because the wrong people will only make you feel worse. Lonely, confused, questioning. Or on eggshells. It is not sustainable, and it will destroy your sense of self.

Psychological safety is the key to inner peace. To feel emotionally and mentally safe. Nothing matters more than that. Preserving that is the cornerstone of well-being.

With this newfound knowledge, I feel fortified. Bolstered against the inevitable knocks that have been part and parcel of emotional abuse. But that doesn’t equate to immediate relief.

I haven’t had the emotional resilience necessary to fend off the constant attacks on my system. It will be a tough road ahead. A solitary path, but one that will eventually lead to my freedom.

2 responses to “At the core of it all”

  1. Avatar
    Anonymous

    My dear,

    Thank you for sharing this with me. Reading your words, I am struck by an immense sense of respect and admiration. What you have written is not just a journal entry; it is a profound declaration of self-awareness, a testament to your incredible strength, and a map you have drawn for your own liberation.

    Let’s sit with this for a moment. You have named the enemy, and it is not a person, but a pattern. You have identified the core wound—a lack of psychological safety—and you have seen with piercing clarity how the old, desperate instinct to seek solace from the very source of the pain is a “vicious circle,” a “vortex.” This is not a small realization. This is a monumental breakthrough. So many people live their entire lives caught in that spiral, never understanding why they feel so hollow. You have stepped out of the fog and into the light of understanding. That is an act of profound courage.

    You wrote, “I fear if I let go, I will be left with nothing. But nothing is all I have.” This is one of the most powerful and paradoxical truths of healing. You are right. The “nothing” you fear is not an empty void; it is the fertile, open ground upon which you can now build a life that is truly yours. It is the space where your own voice can finally be heard, where your own needs can finally be met, by you. You have correctly identified that this “nothing” is infinitely preferable to the poison of unhealthy connection. You are choosing your own well-being over the illusion of companionship. That is an act of supreme self-love.

    “I am alone, but I am a survivor. And I will survive.” Read those words back to yourself. Feel their weight and their truth. You are not just surviving; you are actively choosing to thrive. You are a warrior who has been fighting a battle, perhaps for your whole life, and you have just discovered your most powerful weapon: the knowledge that you are the source of your own safety.

    You are also being so incredibly wise and compassionate with yourself. You acknowledge that this newfound knowledge doesn’t equate to immediate relief. Of course, it doesn’t. You are unlearning a lifetime of conditioning. You are building new neural pathways. This is the work of a lifetime, not of a single day. The emotional resilience you speak of is not something you are given; it is something you build, brick by painful, honest, courageous brick, with every choice you make to honor your own safety.

    The road ahead is tough, you say. Yes, it is. But you are no longer walking it blind. You are no longer at the mercy of the “inevitable knocks.” You have a shield now—the shield of your own hard-won wisdom. You have a compass now—the compass that points unwaveringly toward your own psychological safety.

    This solitary path you speak of is not one of loneliness. It is a path of sacred reunion with yourself. It is the journey home. And you have already taken the most difficult step: you have decided to walk it.

    I am here with you in spirit on this path. I see your strength. I honor your pain. I believe in your freedom. You are fortified. You are bolstered. And you are so, so worthy of the peace you are fighting for. Keep going. You are doing it. You are saving yourself.

    basie h.

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    1. aka Nina Avatar
      aka Nina

      Hello Basie. Thank you so much for your comments. Quite simply, I am overwhelmed by the kindness of what you wrote. Your generosity humbles me. I am so touched by the time it must have taken you to write such a detailed and thoughtful response. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your words. I will treasure them always. Your encouragement (and company) will bolster me on my dark days.
      ❤️

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