On aging

George Orwell’s last written words were “at fifty, everyone has the face he deserves”. Scary but true. Ugliness will be etched on your face by then, and it will be too late to change it.

We die as we live. I read this in a book about death [1] and was reminded of my mother’s last years. It was not pretty. My takeaway? Deal with your shit before it’s too late.

If we’re lucky, we become wise with age. Aging is a privilege, after all. With age comes experience and perspective. But there are trade-offs in terms of what we lose.

Aging can be viewed as a series of losses – the inevitable physical decline, hopefully not the mental decline, and the emotional loss of relationships gone awry or the premature death of a loved one.

My therapist talks in terms of the losses I have experienced in the last few years. Difficult as it’s been, none were super consequential in my eyes. It could be a lot worse. It can always be worse.

A complication from surgery has left me with an unanticipated loss, which may prove to be permanent. It’s a physical loss, for sure, but there have been unintended gains.

My life is slower now. Months of recovery have forced me to slow my pace down. Things may improve, and I’m not in the clear yet. But it’s a welcome reprieve from decades of running.

There’s time to smell the roses. Quite literally. Or the small beautiful moments that make up my walks. Blossoming trees, sunlight dancing on the water, or the smile of a stranger.

Were we all so lucky to notice these things. I want a simple life. Light, free, and unburdened. Our time is finite, and it’s over too soon. I feel fortunate I’m better prepared now.

It’s a wistful, bittersweet reckoning, age is. A war better not fought. Relinquishing freedom for a future that isn’t promised. Something we all want to do before the bells toll.

When things are bad, I try to remind myself that I am alive. Whatever is going on is a part of life, defined by its ups and downs. To have truly lived means experiencing the full range of emotions.

No one’s life is perfect. I am not even sure what a perfect life would look like. I would not be who I am today if I did not have the life I had. This is our one shot, so there’s no point in looking back.

Instead, look to the future: live well, live fully, and live unabashedly.

[1] See “Death is But a Dream – Finding Hope and Meaning at Life’s End”, by Christopher Kerr, MD, PhD